Looking for my Soul

How do you lose your sense of self?  That quiet knowing of who you are, no matter the context.

Does it happen slowly, one thought and feeling at a time?  Or does it require a transformational event?  Something that tilts your world off centre to such a degree that your 'north' is hard to locate?

Since I came home from Vietnam, in 2007, I seem to have lost my soul.  That sense of what makes ME me. 

I came home to go to school, to learn and to reconnect with my community, my family and friends.  I think I might have been lost before I came home but my seeking journey really began when I came home.

I've been wandering in the wilderness, sometimes stumbling upon situations or moments that make sense but eventually wandering again.  The hardest thing is that I don't have a direction.  I don't know what I'm wandering towards.

I realize that into every life some transition comes.  I've read the books and thought about buying the tshirt but none of that knowing makes the process any easier.

It is rare for me to regret.  After Dad passed away one of the lessons I chose to take to heart was that there are few do-overs in this life.  Live your life in such a way that tomorrow takes care of itself.  I try to make sure those I love know I love them and I try to embody the golden rule.  Hard to go wrong with that as a guiding philosophy.  And even though I don't believe the world owes me anything, I do live with the belief that the world is fair (in the long run).  All of this has resulted in an amazing life (if I do say so myself;).  And yet these past few years I feel like I am lost.

Maybe I need to find god(dess) or experiment with drugs and find my personal nirvana?  I could go and work overseas again.  Or could it be moving to a small town and living off the grid would satisfy this longing?  Selling everything I own and using the money to travel the world, volunteering and helping also appeals.  All of these (and others) have meandered through my mind.  But that is the problem... they've meandered but none of them are exactly right.  I keep remembering that no matter what I do next, I take myself with me.  So I can be soul-lost here or in another place.  At least here I am loved.

I don't know what I'm going to do but I wanted to share.  This brown girl's adventures aren't always external.